Nil illegitimi carborundum

Before

Before …

Local clergy met this morning to hear a talk about stress in clergy families.

Stress provokes growth and adaptation. Stress keeps us alert and on our toes and enables us to respond to emergencies. In short, stress in sharp doses is good. But when it’s prolonged, it leads to ill-health, immune system depression, gastrointestinal problems, cancers, mental burnout, and more.

Clergy stress results from all sorts of things: lack of boundaries, unreasonable expectations of, and by, self and others, feeling one has responsibility without authority, living in a goldfish bowl (‘I demand to know the colour of your bowel movements today, Rector’). In some cases, clergy bring stress on themselves by wanting to be needed – in itself a personality disorder. But worse is the effect of stress on clergy wives, clergy husbands, and clergy children. A clergy spouse effectively becomes a one-parent family in a busy parish. The phone rings at unsocial hours. ‘I know it’s the Rector’s day off, but ….’ Well, you might know it, but clearly you don’t respect it. Get off the phone now this minute, and ring tomorrow at a reasonable hour.

None of the things that have caused me grief in seven years of ordained life was dealt with in theological training. All of them are largely ignored by the organisation, such is its corporate hypocrisy and its ability to pretend that black is white. Here are some of them.

  • Enquiries about ancestors and complaints about graveyards. I was ordained to serve the living not the dead. I do not care about graveyards.
  • Legal matters about buildings and land. I have no legal training and am not a property manager. I am not interested in title deeds, and if I have to be, I want the proper fee.
  • Conflict between mission demands, such as, the organist is so bad s/he needs to be sacked, and pastoral demands, if s/he is, the rest of the community will be offended because s/he’s related to them all.
  • People choosing to take offence.
  • Being dumped on by those higher up in the food chain who seem to justify their existence by finding hoops for increasingly hard-pressed parish clergy to jump through. This is a Church of England thing. Thankfully, the structure and finances of the Church of Ireland mean that the few people up the food chain are so busy that they don’t have time for this.
  • People thinking that everything is the Rector’s job. If you want it done, do it yourself, and stop bellyaching at me.
  • People thinking that it only counts if the Rector does it. Ordination is magic.
  • Petty squabbles. Some people need to grow up.
  • Self-appointed ‘royal’ families in a parish. These cause awful problems.
  • Refusals to accept that the law of the land means that old ways of doing things are no longer legally acceptable.
  • Refusals to accept the church’s regulations.

Over the last seven years, these are some of my experiences:

  • phone calls at unsocial hours about ancestors;
  • mother in law moaning about wedding arrangements;
  • stroppy letters about the state of the graveyard;
  • nuisance calls, several at 2 am;
  • being shouted at and shunned in public;
  • complaints about preaching the gospel;
  • a threat of physical violence;
  • callers ‘needing’ a bus fare to somewhere or other, stinking of booze (lots of these, and actually, I don’t mind them – at least these souls know they are needy);
  • powerlessness and perplexity about legal affairs;
  • sleepless nights, anxiety, diarrhoea, stress-related gobbling, incipient despair …. and more.
I hardly think a caption necessary

… and after

I have it easy compared to some, who are driven to resignation or early retirement. Some clergy find meetings and minutes and agenda and rules difficult to cope with. I do not. But all this nonsense detracts from my caring for the sick, helping the afflicted, reading, reflecting, preparing teaching and sermons, burying baptizing, marrying, and making sure worship is seemly and inspiring.

Fortunately, my pre-ordination life experience has given me the buoyancy to keep my head above water most of the time. Maybe putting this in writing will help others.

Eyes have they, and see not …

Communication problems

Communication problems

I’ve been fiddling with fonts and colours.

I was ‘short sighted’ by the time I was 8 and I’ve had specs ever since. About 10 years ago I found I needed them less and less for distance vision, and could often do without them altogether. Now they’re most likely perched on my forehead, and I forget about them. I go looking round the house for them for ages before realizing where they are. Like Mrs Richards in Fawlty Towers.

In 2008 some of my left retina became detached. It was operated on fairly pronto, but despite that most of it died within 6 months, leaving me with only a central field of view. This might have been OK but for a subsequent cataract on the same side. It too was operated on, but with no perceptible improvement.

So it’s right eye only. Fortunately, I was told there was no risk of retinal detachment there. As eyes go, though, it’s not what it used to be. Now, I need a magnifying glass, especially in the evening. I’m thankful for computer screen and Kindle where text can be ’embiggened’.

I’m conscious of the legibility (is that the right word?) of websites. I need contrast. I prefer dark type on light background than light type on dark background. I find sans serif fonts like this easier to read than serif fonts, though I think the serif fonts more elegant. Nobody with even the slightest smidgeon of good taste would tolerate jokey fonts, and I don’t find it easy to read italics. Size matters, of course. If it’s too small, I don’t bother with the website; if it’s too big, it’s like being in the infant class, and if it’s CAPITALS it’s like being shouted at. It’s no easy matter to get things right.

What about colour? Bright white is, well, too bright. I’ve gone here for a sort-of Cambridge blue—not for any reason of loyalty, but because SWMBO said it looked well and went with Wider than the heavens (see the bar at the top).

Something’s going on with the hearing too. Is it me, or do people talk too quickly and without proper enunciation? Mangled vowels, inaudible consonants. I’m not talking accents here – I like the Birmingham accent, the Dublin accent etc – but about articulation. People could start by opening their mouths a bit more. Speech discrimination, I suppose, is what the audiologists might call my problem. Or maybe I’ve got a brain tumour. Or maybe I’m just a grumpy sod.

If you have any constructive criticism about fonts and colours on this blog, I’d be glad to have it. Comments about my grumpiness you can keep to yourselves.

Letter from Malawi

Ryall's - not this posh when i was there

Ryall’s – not this posh when I was there

I’ve been to Blantyre three times, once to discuss setting up a new medical school, and design the science building, once to see the first graduates, and once as external examiner. The first time was in Hastings Banda days. I stayed at Ryall’s Hotel. On the second, Banda still alive, Susan was with me and we stayed in a hospital house just off Mahatma Gandhi road with some postgrads from the US. Servants lived in a shack at the bottom of the garden. The third time was after Banda. I was on my own at Ryall’s again.

Tuesday 14 November 2000, room 33, Ryall’s Hotel, Blantyre. Sunny, breeze outside, blue sky, white clouds like Simpsons opening credits. Yesterday was thundery; the plane from Lilongwe couldn’t land and had to return to wait for an hour before setting out again. Second time lucky.

I’ve just read about the botfly that lays its eggs on clothes, then larvae burrow into the skin and after 8 weeks or so of growth and development, they wriggle out of what seems like a pustule. Oh joy. The bedroom walls don’t reach the ceiling, I’ve just noticed.

Tuesday evening. More thunder. I’ve been marking exam scripts all day and now find – quite inexplicably – a Malawi gin and tonic inside me. I seem to have sleepwalked across the road to the Africa Commodity Traders ‘superstore’ where my eye lit upon a bottle of the said substance at 414 Kwacha (approx £3) labelled ‘drink me.’ Quite delicious. Is it the gin or the tonic or both? There must be importers somewhere.

Medical College now

Medical College now

Wednesday evening. 22 candidates, mostly very good or good. Nobody inadequate. Why spend a lot of money on educational resources when people who have so little are every bit as good? Another majestic thunderstorm. No tap water in the hotel or, more importantly, no bog-flushing water. The electric sockets in the bedroom don’t work today though they did yesterday.

Thursday morning. When it rains, water pours through the roof of the hotel corridor. So they move all the pot plants under the leaks. Brilliant! Water off again after a brief window of opportunity for bog flushing. Day off today, exam conference tomorrow. Writing this is displacement activity: I should be getting on with work that I brought that must not be allowed to wreck the Christmas break (again). Never quite fathomed why, when we are so near the equator, it’s not hotter than it is. We are high above sea level – perhaps that has something to do with it.

Saturday. No thunder since Thursday. Economy grim, set to get grimmer. Racial tension mounts – not blacks/whites, but blacks with money/blacks without. Bring back Banda from the grave say some. Home soon, Air Malawi south to Jo’burg in a plane with propellers and elastic bands, then sardine tin to London with my knees in my chin. Queasy belly. Something suspiciously like dysentery gurgling away.

Monday. Jo’burg check in, asked for aisle seat so I could rush to bog if necessary. Lady says perhaps you should stay here until you’ve recovered. Had a bit of a job (no pun intended) to persuade her that I was well enough to travel. Should’ve kept my mouth shut. I must have looked better than I felt because I’m just about to board the London flight. Fingers crossed. And legs.

Weekend in New York

800px-Bear_Mtn_Bridge

Bear Mountain Bridge, Hudson Valley

Email diary from Stanley to Susan in Dublin.

Saturday 14 September, a decade ago.

Rose about 8. Can’t see what they see in bagels – tough and dense. Haven’t had decent tea since I left home. Walked to 5th avenue (10 minutes) then the Empire State. Lovely art deco interior. Went up (no problem, unlike Eiffel tower). View not fantastic because of haze. Then down to Skyride – like that thing at Alton Towers where they project on a screen and you get the illusion of being there. Not as good as that thing at Alton Towers.

Walked to Grand Central – famous from films. Wonderful building like a Roman hall. Train journey for 2 hours up the banks of the Hudson River to Poughkeepsie. Passed big bridges, West Point. This is definitely the line in North by Northwest with Cary Grant and Eve Marie Kendall (confirmed, on request, by the conductor). Grand Central was the station Cary Grant caused the commotion at, earlier in the film. Hudson valley lovely.

Got back about 3.30, changed trains in Harlem, walked to St John the Divine Cathedral. Very large, unfinished: dark, gloomy, big disappointment (how typically Anglican). Then late lunch – some sort of ‘wrap’ in a greasy spoon, and subway to Times Square. Got lost. Then wandering hotel-wards (after having unlost myself) and stumbled on this internet café, so here I am at 3 dollars for one hour. The top of the Chrysler building looks lovely – shiny steel art deco – on the front of one of our Gershwin records. Not open to the public. I went into the Woolworth building yesterday – also 1920s features, and was then shooed out – not open to the public – I ignored the notice saying so.

The idea of a play this evening is appealing, but I’d rather not be on my own. Monday will be busy and has to include an evening flight to Pittsburgh, so I will be anxious about getting to the airport in time. American people, as judged by those on trains and the subway are better behaved and more law-abiding – I suppose I mean responsible – than the Irish and Brits. And trains seem not to be used by the wealthy – at least not the trains I’ve been on.

St Thomas

St Thomas

Sunday 15 September – amazing day

Poked my head in St Patrick’s then came across St Thomas’s (Anglican i.e. Episcopal) which I’d heard of but forgotten about. Music was Bairstow in D so I just had to stay. Church milliner, lovely vestments, stinking rich, sidesmen in morning dress etc. Money money money. Fizzy wine afterwards (they called it champagne – it wasn’t) $2 a glass. Can I have another says I – if you pay another $2, says Mr Snootypants behind the counter. So I waited until he wasn’t looking and helped myself.

People chatting to their friends, visitors largely ignored, so I did my Victoria Wood at a party act (‘did you go for distressed teak for your kitchen furnishings?’) and went over to a couple and talked for a bit, then I went over to a man in his late 50s (approx) with a younger chap, both wearing P G Wodehouse outfits – cravats, hankies in the breast pocket, posh shoes, etc. Said hello, the older man said hello and he said oh you’re English. So was he, plummy – turns out he was Eton and Christchurch Oxford (poor sod). What are you doing here, he said. So I told him and said what line of work are you in. He said, I’m titled so I don’t have to work. Who are you says I. Lord Bingham, the Marquis of Mayenne, says he. Bingham as in Lord Lucan? says I. Yes says he – he is my uncle.

So, you’re a professor says he, yes says I but you needn’t call me that because I don’t like titles and have no intention of calling you Lord. He laughed uproariously (not ‘off with his head’ anyway). This is my assistant, Herman (Mexican). Turns out Bingham is teaching him English and they are restoring a house in New Rochelle, 20 miles away.

Bingham says join us for lunch so I did. In Greenwich Village. Waiter says what would you like for an aperitif. Bingham says, Oh I’ll have the Queen Mother’s tipple, gin and Dubonnet, so we all did. Ah, three queens, says the waiter. I must say, says Bingham, I rather take exception to that remark. Herman 29 is looking for a wife. Bingham says to me how old’s your daughter, so I say 27 and he says is she married, No says I but I think she’s in love. Pity he says. Herman is searching! When Bingham’s not sailing on his yacht (Some Like it Hot) he is an avid doer of good works, visiting the sick etc. He says, we’re going to Roosevelt Island hospital to visit the sick. Would you like to come? So, just going with the flow, I said yes, thanks, lovely.

Roosevelt Island

Roosevelt Island

Over 59th Street Bridge. Depressing, smelly hospital where people are dumped by relatives. Smells of old cabbage/urine. He says prayers with people. It was humbling. Bingham’s certainly devout and very sincere and a good man, but I wondered what the recipients think. Presumably Bingham enjoyed it.

He laid his hands on a black woman who seemed to want it (she grunted and smiled anyway) and then we all had to put a hand on. Do you feel the power of Christ surging through you? This is a bit on the edge for me I can tell you. There was a time when I would have cringed, but now I just take what comes. Needless to say, there was no miraculous recovery. Then we met a Jewish multimillionaire with a stroke and cardiomyopathy, in a wheelchair, who has disowned his family. Entertaining chap – he and I got on well but I can’t figure out why he was in that hospital.

I didn’t get back until 10 pm. This sort of adventure doesn’t usually happen to me. Amazing stuff.

History of Art

035144Medics at Cambridge – I’m talking 1971 here – could study anything they liked in the third year, assuming that necessary subjects had been covered in the previous two, and that they were accepted on their chosen course. I think this is still the case. In typical Cambridge understated style, it was something that we took for granted. I look on it as truly inspired. Would that more undergraduate medical schools would do likewise. Most people did something scientific, but not everyone. To my certain knowledge a handful read Archaeology and Anthropology, a few English, a few Philosophy and a few Theology. Two of us (out of about 200) read History of Art, both from Queens’ College: me and my mate David. I like to think that David did it because of me but I may be kidding myself.

It wasn’t common for medics to take History of Art, maybe one every two or three years. It was normally a two-year course, so medics with only one year to complete it were discouraged. You can see why: we lacked knowledge of historical and cultural contexts, we knew little of historical research, or of trends in art and architecture. Having said that, I wasn’t totally ignorant of architectural history. I’d been in and around churches since I was 10 or so, and something rubbed off on this curious youngster who noted details. I spent happy hours poring over Banister Fletcher and James Lees-Milne in Carlisle Library, and had parents who indulged their peculiar son (‘what shall we do with our Stanley?’ they asked the local GP – I know, because he told me 30 years later) in trips to see buildings. I went to Thurnam’s bookshop in Carlisle week after week just to look at the picture of Westminster Cathedral in Victorian Architecture by Peter Ferriday. The assistants were tolerant. I plucked up courage to buy it after a month or so when I was in funds. That was the book that introduced me to the word prolegomena (I’ve forgotten what it means now) and to Nikolaus Pevsner.

David and I had to be vetted by the academics in the Department of History of Art. Michael Jaffé was the boss. He had rooms in King’s. We trooped off to see him. He was an expert on Titian and Rubens. I made it clear that my interests were exclusively architectural, which was allowed, but the unnerving and leonine Jaffé insisted on asking me about Titian. I knew nothing. I still know nothing. I wouldn’t be swayed from my determination to concentrate on the history of architecture, confident that I already knew enough to pass the exam tomorrow. The other interviewer was Duncan Robinson, then Director of the Fitzwilliam Museum and later Master of Magdalene (succeeded recently by Rowan Williams). That was altogether gentler and pleasanter. Anyway, they said yes.

History of Art, Scroope Terrace, Cambridge

History of Art, Scroope Terrace, Cambridge

It was a terrific year—blissful to be away from Biochemistry labs and microscope slides, and blissful to be with intriguing ideas and mix with the most exotic creatures. Pevsner was still giving Slade Lectures in those days. I was like a groupie at a pop concert. David Watkin was up and coming. He had, doubtless still has, a formidable intellect. At a relatively young age he pointed out the holes in Pevsner’s approach to architectural history that almost held that anyone designing in styles that were not modernistic (concrete, steel, ugly) must be bad and immoral. Dr Watkin had a prominent beauty spot on his cheek (was it real?) and dressed immaculately, Evelyn Waugh style. Except, that is, one morning when I called to see him about my dissertation on James Brooks when he answered my knock in his jimjams and dressing down, and offered me a digestive. Very civil of him. Another student was memorable for aping Lord Sebastian Flyte, and riding round Cambridge on a tricycle, in full morning dress with a silver-topped cane. Where did he get the money? I recall one lecture at which the speaker, talking about an architectural firm with two names—was it Lanchester & Rickards or Mewès & Davis?—said of one of them ‘He had an eye for the ladies and died unexpectedly. I think that should be a lesson to us all.’

David and I both finished the course with second class exam results. Our tutor at Queens’ congratulated us warmly, saying that medics who did History of Art normally came out with thirds.

Yes, we did come across Anthony Blunt, and no, we weren’t recruited. To anything.

Pioneering women in Langwathby

The Morleys house is top centre somewhere

The Morley house is top centre

Langwathby in the 1950s and 60s. At the Little Salkeld end, there was a large and distinguished house between Stamper’s farm and the council houses, set back next to the railway cutting up a longish drive.

The Morleys lived there.

To my young eyes, Mrs Morley looked as if she were the ancient of days (‘whatever that means’, I thought).  She went about on her bike and did her shopping in a grubby Gabardine mac, her hair looking as if she’d been plugged into an electric socket. There were rumours. She collected nettles for soup. Was she a witch? We children never saw Mr Morley. Was he a recluse? Was he a spy? Maybe he did secret government work, like Uncle Quentin of the Famous Five.

Before long, the wildly imaginative soup cleared somewhat. Mrs Morley had been an orthopaedic surgeon. A woman orthopaedic surgeon in those days. Her husband John had been a professor at Manchester University. Education then was a way of bettering oneself, as my father often said (would that it were still so), so suddenly the Morleys acquired a different sort of glamour. Mr Morley was now Professor Morley. I was susceptible to academic snobbery.

Google tells me that Mrs Morley was born Margaret Gregg in 1892 to parents who lived in Styal, Cheshire. She studied painting in Paris, was a VAD in WWI, and became an orthopaedic surgeon. She married the widowed John Morley, soon to be Professor of Surgery in Manchester. Professor Morley died in 1974 and Mrs Morley some years later. What a terrific life. I wish I’d known her.

Bank House is the long thin one, bottom left

Bank House is bottom left, long and thin

Just as John Morley was morphing from Uncle Quentin to esteemed Professor, another elderly retired ‘couple’ moved into Bank House (where my father was born) opposite the Shepherds Inn. I came across them when I started on the organ rota for Evensong at Langwathby church, so I suppose that must have been about 1963. The newcomers sat at the back of church on the right. They made friends with me. They asked for the Welsh tune to Jesu, lover of my soul, so one Sunday they got it. This wasn’t a good move, for it displeased some villagers born in the 15th century who preferred ‘the proper tune’ (an early lesson in congregational politics).

By now I was less prone to exotic imaginings. I took them as I found them. They were Mr John Elam, another retired orthopaedic surgeon, and his sister Mrs Tipper. They took an interest in my academic progress. Mrs Tipper was encouraging about my Cambridge application. They gave me a four-volume set of the first edition of Grove’s Dictionary of Music and Musicians.

Constance Tipper

Constance Tipper

Slowly, slowly, Mrs Tipper’s past revealed itself. ‘I was a metallurgist’ she told me in a offhand, matter-of-fact way. How unusual. I’d never come across one of them before. I might not even have heard the word before. Mrs Tipper was not just any old metallurgist, but one of the world’s most eminent. Dr C F Tipper, née Elam, had the highest doctorates in science that it is possible to get, and from not one but two universities, London and Cambridge.

She had been a Fellow of a Cambridge College. It was she who in WWII hit upon the reason why some ships broke in two. Her name is given to an industrial test. For many years, she was the only woman academic in the Cambridge Faculty of Engineering. All this, and she called herself Mrs Tipper. With the self-absorption of adolescence, I never took much trouble to find out about her. Another missed opportunity.

She died in 1995 aged 101, the year after a tree had been planted at Newnham College Cambridge to mark her centenary. You can read about her here.

What brought these remarkable pioneering women to a small village in Cumberland?

Fishing in the river Eden.

Do the what-comes-naturally

U0WxlThis week’s New Scientist has an article debunking some widely held notions about nutrition. Here are four of them.

1. It is not necessary to drink eight glasses of water a day. It is not necessary to drink pure water at all. It just isn’t true that by the time we are thirsty we are already dehydrated. ‘So relax and trust your body.’ If you visit any primary school, chances are you’ll see children clutching their water bottles like comforters (well, I hope it’s water). Are these for the comfort of the children or the parents, I wonder?

2. Sugar does not make children hyperactive. Children go to parties where (A) they eat sugary things and (B) are excited. It does not follow that A causes B. Sugar rots the teeth though.

3. Being a bit overweight is—wait for it, wait for it—good for you and will stave off the grim reaper for a bit! Deo gratias. Yes, yes, I know I’m more than a bit overweight, but still ….

4. The notion that we should eat like cavemen is bunkum. Crops and animals then were quite different from crops and animals now. There is no evidence that cavemen were healthier than we are. Evolution ‘doesn’t care if we drop dead once we’ve raised our children and grandchildren’.

Why does it give me such joy that these are debunked?  I suppose because I find zealots tiresome. The nanny state goes too far. People tell us what to eat, what to drink, how to eat and drink, when to eat and drink, how to sit, how to stand, how to exercise, how to walk, what to think … and more. Do-gooders used to tell us that eggs were bad. Eggs are now good. I heard a whisper recently that salt wasn’t the satanic substance that we had been led to believe, and that maybe if I think I need salt it’s because my body is telling me I do (or perhaps I’m addicted to it).

When I was in my 30s I became fascinated by the Mitford sisters (novelist, farmer, fascists, communist, writers) and remember that their mother, Lady Redesdale, believed that ‘the good body’ would heal itself more effectively without the intervention of doctors or medicine. Was she barmy? She took this to the point of having the doctor remove a child’s appendix on the kitchen table. Maybe a bit barmy. I think I’m remembering right that in my early days as a clinical medical student, an eminent surgeon told us that in his opinion people should let the body do the what-comes-naturally. Amen, amen!

Reunions

Even then, I had a great future behind me

Even then, I had a great future behind me

From time to time I’m invited to speak at medical school reunions of those I taught decades ago. It’s generally the successful ones who attend: in their 40s, on astronomical salaries, often with kids at schools where fees are more than my stipend. One or two have jetted from Hong Kong or Sydney just for the event.

I begin my speech by sympathizing with them. Despite the trappings of success such as big houses, tennis courts, swimming pools, and posh cars, this is a difficult time of life. Children are getting more and more expensive and fractious, relationships are creaking with divorces past or looming, and parents are beginning to lose their marbles. I remember it well, though I never had the telephone number salary.

Standing in front of them is this ‘owd feller’ that they invited to speak because they remember what he used to be like. Even in those days, though, he had a great future behind him, for he peaked when he was 10. They are shocked to see the fat old cynic he’s turned into. They’re astonished at what he’s become. They’re not alone. Some praise his courage for this, slightly envious. Some are mildly amused. Some are dismissively sceptical. But in general they’re lovely, warm, courteous and good fun. Many of them talk privately about an interest in ‘spiritual matters’ that is touching, and displays a vague longing – a certain trace of silent sadness. ‘I can’t swallow all the dogma,’ they say, ‘but I do love churches and church music.’ Me too. I don’t think the man in sandals was known for his love of dogma.

You see, dear reader, many of these worthy people are beginning to be bored. You need to understand that though medical training is lengthy and requires a good memory, it is absolutely not intellectually or conceptually challenging. Consider too that the human body recovers from disease often despite doctors, not because of them: once carpenters and plumbers have done their work, masterly inactivity is often the best ‘treatment’. What doctors need is common sense and humanity, and in my experience those qualities don’t necessarily go hand in hand with academic brilliance. When you’ve removed 321 gall bladders, or done 534 hysterectomies, or seen the effects of deprivation and poverty that you can do nothing about, work begins to pall. And there’s still 15 years to go. Boredom.

How will they cope? Many take to golf. I’m not old enough to play golf. Some will develop a fondness for the bottle or some other peccadillo. Some will spend more and more time on their yachts. When I was an intern in London, every Sunday I had to ring Burnham-on-Sea, where the consultant had his boat, to tell him of his operation list next day and let him know how his private patients were faring without him. Some will become bigwigs in professional bodies, sitting in panelled rooms on committees that reorganize things that don’t need reorganizing. Some try to recapture lost youth propping up the bar at what used to be Lansdowne Road and contrive friendships with players. And so on. A certain trace of silent sadness. 

Speaking at a reunion is a bit like going into a fusty room that might have been better left unvisited. It’s hard to resist, though. I return saying ‘I won’t do that again’. But I do. The invitation comes, and I feel vaguely honoured. I’m a fool, of course. I rather suspect that the ex-students think I’ll be as subversive now as I was then. In fact, I’m much, much more.